Metamorphosing

Life was simple, straightforward. Wake up, get dressed for the office, spend an eventful day at work, come back home, exercise, spend time with friends and husband, sleep. Repeat. Gurgaon was the best phase of our lives as we enjoyed with our close friends, tried new cuisines and matched our calendars to decide our vacations.

2017 changed it all---as someone said, change is the only constant. A baby in our lives that transformed our lives as we obsessed over his sleep, food, and poop patterns. To top it all came the news of moving. Boy, was it overwhelming! But carrying on with the spirit of embracing it, we packed up our house and belongings and landed in Johannesburg on July 29.

Thrown right in the middle of it, I juggled and struggled! It was blitzkrieg—this change. As I scampered to manage M’s erratic sleep schedule, cook meals (thank god for the internet and recipes available), I sunk within. Wasn’t expat life lavish, where things were done for you? I missed Maya (my help aka home manager in Gurgaon).

We moved into our own place in September and touristy days transformed into permanence. Initial days were hard without the internet and even mobile network. I remember crying all day on my father’s birthday as I couldn’t speak to him. Why did I bring this upon myself? I missed my bustling life back home—family and friends who would drop everything in a heartbeat to be with me, help me every step of the way.

But the biggest change was to accept my lack of identity—I was a ghost, with nothing attributed to me—be it a bank account, phone account or even my car. For women like me, who worked hard to attain their financial independence—this had to be the toughest part of being an expat spouse.

So, who am I? a question still daunting and I’d rather face the other way whenever I stumble upon it. I have introspective moments and have reflected on how the society judges us and how we slowly judge ourselves based on these invisible, yet entrenched parameters. Women usually get caught in this and sadly, other women more often judge our choices. “Working mom? -oh, she’s so selfish for following her career and not taking care of her child.” “Stay-at-home mom, oh she’s so lazy and has nothing to do all day.” “You are 30 and no kids—how self-centred.” “Not married—how will you manage in this world as you grow old?” The judging never ends. What I have learned is to sit back and enjoy people’s judgments, not respond but do as I deem right.

Expat life is not rosy, rich or easy. Leaving your base, letting go of some of your dreams only to create new ones and keep a hawk’s eye on your expenditure is tough but adventurous and fulfilling. I got the opportunity to transform, unlearn and remould myself and I am slowly getting there.

And Tagore’s song plays in the background as I write this…

Mone ki didha rekhe gele chole
(With what doubt had you left? In mellow twilight the other day)